Freeing Carter Page 12

  Silence.

  Kira leans her head backward, closes her eyes, obviously enjoying the quiet, but me? I'm not as good with it. I want to say something, but I'm not sure what. But then, Kira saves me, or ruins me. I'm not sure which.

  "You don't drink, Carter Shaw."

  It's not a question, but I answer it. My chest feels like it's cracked open, baring my pounding heart, but I answer. Honestly.

  "Nope." I'm amazed at how good it feels to admit it, when really, I haven't admitted to anything yet. But not lying? That's the part that I revel in. I still can't believe I said it, but I'm glad. "Do you ever wonder about them? Your parents?"

  This conversation should feel strange. I shouldn't be asking her this, but somehow it's okay. Right, even.

  "All. The. Time. I try not to, but I do." Her eyes open and they find mine. "It's pointless. I know that, but it's hard not to wonder. Did I have a different name? Was I born in a hospital? When's my birthday? I don't even know my history. Was my mom black? Dad? Am I part Italian, too? White? I know nothing." And then she slips away from me, kneeling in the middle of the hot tub, so the water goes up to her neck. Which, by the way, is pretty perfect too. "Where's your dad?"

  I lean forward, but don't leave the seat. "He died. Heart attack while playing basketball. He's why I started playing."

  We both pause for a second and I think about him. How different life would be if he never died.

  "I'm sorry."

  "Me, too," is all I can say in return.

  "Oh! I have an idea. Let's play Truth or Dare. You wanna play with me?"

  The hair at the nape of her neck is wet, curling a little. She's giving me one of her smiles, water sloshing all around her. I couldn't deny her anything right now. "Truth or Dare?" I ask.

  "Dare."

  "I dare you to sit by me." The words weren't planned, but I'm glad they were the first thing to pop out of my mouth.

  Kira laughs and comes back to sit beside me. "You didn't have to waste a turn on that. All you had to do was ask. I want to play a different way though. Every time we pick truth, the other person doesn't get to ask a question. You just give a truth. Whatever you want the other person to know. That way, anything we give is our choice, and we only have to share what we really want, ya know? You tell me what you want me to know...or what you need to say, and I'll do the same. Deal?"

  What I need to say... There's a lot I need to say: about Mom, Sara, even about Kira. How I want to know everything about her. How I want to kiss her again, but I'm also a little freaked out about where it could lead, even though I also really want to go there. "So you really do want the whole baring-of-the-soul thing? I thought you said guys aren't good at that?"

  "I only want to see what you want to show me. Otherwise, the pictures don't matter. Not if they're on display by force instead of want."

  I nod. "I'm good with that." She makes everything make more sense. I'm not sure how she does it. It's like she confuses me and is crystal clear at the same time. I feel like I know her better than anyone else, but I really don't know her at all. Is it true what she said? That stuff about people with pasts or secrets? I'm not really sure I believe in that kindred spirit stuff, but I do know she makes me feel different than I do with anyone else.

  "Yay!" She claps excitedly. "Okay, you can ask me since your first one didn't count."

  I totally should tell her no, but I need to know what kind of things she's going to tell me so I know what I should say to her. "Truth or dare?"

  "Truth. Hmmm, let me think." She sways a little, the water sloshing around her again. "You already know I draw, but I read, too. A lot. I like books that make me think. Books about people and who they are. Why they do things. Stuff like that."

  I can see that.

  "What about you, Coach? Truth or dare?"

  "Truth." This is an easy one. "I hate to read."

  "Ugh. And I thought I liked you."

  "Hey! It's not my fault. It just takes me forever to understand it. I have to read everything like five times before it sinks in. Pisses me off when I can't do something, so I try not to do it." Even though I should be embarrassed about what I just admitted, I'm not. Which is a mystery for me to dissect later. "Truth or dare?"

  "Truth, of course."

  At this point, I'm wondering if we'll even need the dare. Did she just want to talk to me, but played it off like a game? I scoot a little closer to her.

  "Okay. The first time I dyed my hair, I was fifteen. I've been addicted to it ever since."

  We go on like that, back and forth, first with little things like hobbies and music, before moving up to irrational fears, first crushes and kisses. Neither of us pick dare, but we always ask. I'm about as close as I can get to her now, but it's not close enough. I can't stop looking at her hair with the stupid pen in it, or her cheekbones, or trying to smell her over the chlorine in the water.

  Finally, when I can't hold myself back anymore I let my hand move to the back of her neck. My thumb brushes those little wet hairs and her skin is so hot against my hand, but it's still not enough of her heat for me. "Truth or dare?" I ask her again.

  "Truth." But that's all she says. All the time in the world could have passed or none at all. All I focus on is her breathing and how it speeds up. Her eyes and how they drift closed. When I feel like I could burst out of my skin, she finally speaks. "Sometimes I wonder...if it's somehow my fault that they left me." Now she's looking at me, her big eyes staring right into mine, brave and unflinching. "I know it's stupid, right? I mean, I was a baby, but I wonder. Maybe I never stopped crying. Or they never wanted me. Or knew I would grow up to be to be something they hated."

  It's no longer a game. The second she started this truth, I knew that. We really are baring our souls and if there's anyone I want to show what's inside me, it's her.

  "Truth or dare?" she whispers.

  "Truth." I concentrate on my hand massaging her neck. The difference in my white skin to hers. Anything except for what I'm about to say. Anything besides the sudden urge I have to go Incredible Hulk again. "My mom's an alcoholic. No one knows except for me and Sara's dad. Actually, that's a lie. I'm a liar because I let him think she quit."

  Kira's mouth turns down. Her eyes look at me in a way no one ever has before. It's not pity, but it's sorrow. Like somehow my admission hurts her as much as it does me.

  This time, I don't ask and she doesn't offer truth, she just gives one. "I don't know who I am or who I want to be. How can I when I don't even know where I came from? If the people who were supposed to love me gave me away?" Her voice is so soft that even though she's inches away from me, I have to struggle to make out her words.

  It all makes sense now. Her style changes, hair changes. Being the straight 'A' student who likes breaking and entering. Or how she's not a cheer girl or a sports girl, but she lit up playing ball with me. No matter what I've been through, I've always known who I am. I'm Tommy and Delilah's son. I'm the basketball player. Sara's big brother. The keeper of Mom's secret. The liar. But Kira? She doesn't know. Suddenly, I need to give her something too. Like she showed me her pain and I need to show her mine. Even the field between us again.

  "My mom's getting worse. Drinking more. Now it's not just me carrying her to bed at night, she drinks when Sara's home or hiding bottles at work and I'm so fucking scared that she's going to hurt herself. Or Sara. And it will be my fault for not taking better care of them."

  "So you don't know who you are either, then? Because it's not your job to take care of them."

  Her words take me back. But I do know who I am, don't I? No, I do. I can't reply to what she said because I don't agree with her. No one's ever really taken care of Mom. Not her parents, not Bill, the only person who did was my dad and he left her by dying. But she takes care of everyone. No matter what. Even if it does drive her to drink. Maybe that's the something she ne
eds for herself? I don't know, but I do know I need to take care of her. It's what Dad would want.

  "I don't know what it is, but I knew. Knew we had a lot in common. Even from that first day when you weren't paying any attention in English. I was...kind of heartbroken when I found out you had a girlfriend."

  "I like you." Another one of my truths.

  "I like you, too. Truth or dare?" she asks. And I know this is enough truths for one night. That we both need a break just to be.

  "Dare."

  "I dare you to kiss me."

  "You didn't have to waste a turn on that I wouldn't have even made you ask."

  This kiss feels so much different than the first one. There's more need and want behind it. Not the slow, tentative kisses. She opens her mouth and I get to taste her right away. Even after only one kiss, my tongue knows the contours of her mouth. The feel of her tongue.

  She goes straight to my head, and I can't stop myself from reaching for her waist to pull her closer. To pull her on my lap so we don't have to concentrate on reaching. Just on kissing and touching. My hands fit perfectly, resting in the curves of her hips.

  It's wild how different girls feel than guys; all soft, with so many dips and curves and valleys to explore. I've never wanted to travel so much in my life, but too soon, she pulls away. Leaning forward just a little, I let my forehead rest against hers. Our breaths mingle in a way I probably never would have noticed with a different girl.

  "Truth or dare?" she asks one last time.

  I don't even hesitate with my answer. "Truth. I'm really, really hoping we're going to start doing that more often."

  Kira smiles, like always, all full of mystery, before standing up. "You'll have to wait and see, Coach. Come on. We don't want to risk getting in trouble. I think it's time to go home."

  Chapter Thirteen

  "So, do I get to ask if you're dating Kira now or is that not cool for a mom to ask her son?" Mom, Sara, and I are sitting at the table the next morning. She's blowing on her coffee. Sara's making an oatmeal mountain and I'm trying not to look as into this girl as I really am. Mom's cool and all, but yeah—talking about girls with your mom isn't my idea of a good time.

  "I guess." I shrug.

  "Are you seeing her today?" There's a smile on her lips and it becomes pretty clear to me, she's happy about the idea.

  "Mom..."

  "Kira's not yucky. She's nice." Sara takes a big bite of her food. I'd have to agree with her on that one. Kira is definitely not yucky.

  "She likes you, too, Twig."

  Mom leans back in her chair. "I'm going to miss this, talking with you guys. I can't believe you're a senior, Carter. That you'll be going to college soon. Moving on..." Her voice is low, distant, and I wonder if it's my fault. If I'm part of the reason she's getting worse. If it's because she's worried I'll be leaving her like Dad did.

  "Ma, I don't even know where I'm going yet. Maybe I'll stay around here." Oh, shit. What if I have to stay around here? If she doesn't get better, I can't leave her or Sara.

  "You'll go wherever you want. Scouts are looking at you. You need to start applying though. Time slips away so fast."

  "I'm not in a hurry." I try to smile at her and then get up and toss my bowl in the sink. This isn't a conversation I feel like having right now. Back in my room, I screw around with my little basketball hoop and foam ball for a while, before plopping on my bed. There's a pile of wet clothes in the corner of my room from last night that I really need to wash, but I can't stop thinking about that fact they were hugging her body, and lame as it is, I don’t want to wash that way.

  My fingers itch to text her, but she's going to be at the store today. I'll see her, so instead I hit up Travis since we haven't really hung out lately. We make plans to do so in a few hours, so I take a quick nap, get dressed and then call Mom to tell her my plans. She and Sara are at the store, then later Kira will fill in and Mom's taking Sara to the fair.

  "What's up?" Travis says when he opens his front door so I can go inside.

  "Not much." We head upstairs to his room, where we start to play some video games.

  "Dude! Did you see that? I'm beating your ass." Travis jumps up onto the couch in his room and does what I guess is his victory dance.

  "You're such a dumbass."

  "A dumbass who can take you."

  "Whatever." I toss the controller to the floor and lean back on the couch. We're both quiet for a few minutes and my head goes back to last night and Kira. I owe Travis a few details because he's my boy and it's like a code or something, but I don't really want to talk about the personal stuff. Nothing private or personal for either of us so it's kind of hard to figure out what to say. Everything between Kira and I seems so much more personal that things are with anyone else.

  "So...Kira and I broke into a hot tub together last night." I don't look over at him because it's not like talking about any other girl. It feels like more, and even though I let Kira in last night, it's not something I do often.

  Travis lurches forward. "Holy shit! And you're just telling me this now, you lucky bastard." He hits my arm and I laugh. "So?"

  "So what?"

  "Dude, come on. You are so not leaving it at, 'I snuck into a hot tub with Kira' You have no idea how wild my imagination is going right now thinking about it...except it's me there and not you."

  I laugh. "Sucks to be you." But then I lean back into his couch and wonder what to tell him. He's not getting details. That's for sure. "She tastes like mint and that's all I'm saying."

  Travis groans. "You're killin' me, Shaw. Seriously. Knife in the back here."

  I feel like I owe him a little more. Girls might think differently, but I know they talk to each other about us too. I've heard TMI about Travis from Mel and Trina before. I'd like to scrub it from my brain, but it's not like we've never talked too. But Kira? I want to keep this to myself. "I like her. A lot." It may not seem like a lot, but it's a big admission.

  Travis nods. "I hear ya." He gets up and puts his hat on, and then falls down into his computer chair. It's another quiet minute, but I don't try and break it, somehow knowing he's about to. He looks at the ground, digging the toe of his shoe into the carpet. "Dad left Mom. My parents are splitting up."

  This time, it's me who lurches forward on the couch. Travis still isn't looking at me and I wonder how long he's been carrying this around with him. What kind of friend I am for not noticing? Well, I noticed something was up, but I didn't ask. Now, the ditching school and partying kind of makes sense. "Wow. I'm sorry. I can't believe that..."

  He shakes his head, looking up at me. "You and me both. I never... It's not really about me, right? I mean, I'm out of here in less than a year, but it just sucks."

  "Yeah... Damn." Travis's parents always got along. He couldn't have said anything that would have shocked me more. And I know I should reciprocate. Tell him something about myself too. About my mom. I owe it to him. He's been my best friend for most of my life, but I'm such a coward, I can't make myself do it.

  Travis pushes to his feet and wipes his eyes. "Okay. Enough about that."

  I kind of feel like crap. I should have asked him before what was up. I shouldn't have ditched him so much lately. "Wanna stay at my house tonight? We can go out or something and then I can kick your ass. Have to get my title back."

  "I'm not gonna break up, Carter. You don't have to play the pity card."

  "Shut up."

  He shrugs. "Okay. Sounds cool to me."

  While waiting in my truck for Travis to get his crap and come down, I call Kira. She's expecting me today, but I need to hang out with Travis.

  Until she picks up the phone, I don't even realize I'm a little nervous.

  "Hey, Coach."

  "Hey. What’s up?"

  "Nothing. Just about to head to your mom's store. What time are you
coming in?"

  "Ummm." I scratch my head. I'm pretty sure it's not cool to ditch your girlfriend less than twenty-four hours after she gets the title. "I'm with Trav right now. We haven't really hung out that much lately and he just told me his parents are splitting up."

  She pauses. "Are you nervous to tell me you're hanging out with your friend? Geez. I like you, Carter, but I think I can handle a night on my own while you hang out with Travis."

  Well, when she puts it like that, I sort of feel like an idiot. "You're awesome."

  "I know." I hear the laugh in her voice.

  "Can I pick you up for school Monday morning?"

  "Hmmm, on one condition. After practice you have to meet me at the store. I'm pretty sure I can think of a good bribe to get you to do your English homework."

  Just that easily, I'm smiling. "Only if I get to make the terms."

  ***

  "Boys! Dinner's done! I made lasagna." Mom calls up the stairs to Travis and me. After my second win in a row, we turn off the game to head down.

  "Oh well. I'd rather have dinner with your hottie—I mean, mom, anyway." Travis dodges my push. "I'm kidding. Touchy, aren't you?"

  "So not going there." We all sit at the table to eat. Sara, who I think is maybe little bit in love with my best friend, scoots her chair closer to him.

  "It's been a while since you've been here, Travis. How are you?" Mom asks.

  He finishes chewing his bite. "Good." His eyes don't meet Mom's.

  "That's good. You guys are playing great so far this year. Your senior year shaping up the way you want?"

  "Mm hmm."

  "Are you still dating Melanie's friend? What was her name?"

  "Geez, Ma. Fifty questions." She looks at me funny, but then I think she sees something in my face and knows there's a reason I want her to lay off him.

  "Sorry." She tosses a crouton from her salad at me and I laugh. "Who's up for dishes tonight? One, two, three, not it." I'm pretty sure I have the only mother in the world that plays "not it".