Searching for Beautiful Page 3

Page 3

  Author: Nyrae Dawn

  “We also have a small-town boy makes good. The kid from the wrong side of the tracks who worked hard and made it to the minors, despite his felon father. ”

  He’s right. Maybe I deserve this somehow, because of Mom and how I treated my friends after she died. Even before Jason, I’d pulled away.

  “Being frank with you both, I’m not sure we could get a conviction. I’m not saying I wouldn’t try. I’m saying it will be hard, maybe impossible. ” He pauses and then turns to me. “I’m saying it’s going to drag out any little blemish they can find to ruin your character. I’m saying there will be nasty things said about you. I’m saying you have to really be sure it’s what you want before we decide to go there. ”

  Leaning back in his chair, Mr. Rogers pushes his glasses up his nose. “Can you do this, Brynn?”

  No, no I can’t. “Daddy?” I turn to look at Dad. This time, I’m the one using a name that’s been lost to us for so long.

  “I’ll give you guys a minute. ” Mr. Rogers stands up and walks out of the room. Dad’s eyes never leave mine. There are more wrinkles than there used to be. Dark circles. And they look broken. So broken, and I hate that I’m the one who made him feel this way. That I saw a boy behind his back. That I had sex and got pregnant at sixteen. That he has to deal with all this stuff that makes him so uncomfortable, because he’s all I have. Because they chose to adopt me and I screwed up so royally. I’m even sorry for Mom, because maybe if I’d let her rest, maybe if we hadn’t fought, she’d still be here.

  I’m also sorry that he has to look at me and wonder…am I the liar? Am I the one who really tricked Jason instead of the other way around?

  “God. ” Dad leans forward, elbows on his knees, and hands covering his face. He’s quiet for a few minutes before his shoulders start to jump up and down. Cause and effect. Tears start filling my eyes, too, playing follow the leader down my face.

  “I don’t know what to do, Brynn. I don’t know what to do. What’s right. How to fix it. ”

  What he means is how to fix my screwup. How to fix me.

  “Your mom would know what to do. If she were here, this probably never would have happened. ”

  This meaning my colossal mistake. The lies that put us here. Why did I ever trust Jason? How could I have been so stupid to believe all his practiced sincerity? Why couldn’t I have leaned on my friends instead? “I just want it to go away. I want to forget it. Forget him. I just want it to get better. ” I pull my knees to my chest, not caring that my Chucks are probably getting dirt on the chair. “Can’t we just forget about it? I can’t…” A ball lodges in my throat, and the words won’t come out. The knees of my jeans are wet with tears. “Please, Daddy. Please just let me forget about it all. ”

  “Shh. It’s okay, dolcezza. ” Dad’s hand cups the back of my head. His arms wrap around me. “Shh, we’ll just forget it ever happened. It’ll be okay. I won’t make you go through with the charges. It’s over. ”

  I’m so relieved when he says it. But Dad is wrong. So wrong.

  It’s only just beginning.

  Chapter Four

  Before

  “You seem happier. ” Ellie gives me a thumbs-up.

  Happy. It’s been such a foreign word lately. But I do feel…happier. I’m not there yet. It doesn’t seem right to be happy without Mom, but I’m getting closer, because of Jason and how he makes me feel. Like I’m normal, when I haven’t been for so long. “I’m trying. ” I shrug.

  Diana lays her hand on my shoulder. “It’s good to see. ”

  “Thanks. ”

  “What time are the boys getting here?” Ellie asks.

  My heart drops at that. “What? You guys didn’t tell me they were coming with us. ” It’s okay when Todd and Kevin are with us. They’re Ellie’s and Diana’s boyfriends, but where they are, Ian almost always is. My ex-boyfriend isn’t too happy to be around me anymore. I’m pretty sure he hates me, though I don’t fully get why. I wasn’t the one to dump him after he lost his mom.

  “They always come, Brynn. I figured you knew they’d hang out with us. ” Diana moves to the mirror and puts on her lip gloss.

  I figured they would realize it was awkward. “Maybe I shouldn’t go. ”

  “What?” Diana asks. “No, we miss hanging out with you. ”

  “We can tell them not to come over,” Ellie adds.

  The truth is, I know they would. But I know they don’t want to. They want to hang out with their boyfriends and they want things to be the way they used to be. I do, too, but I’m not sure how to get there.

  “No, no. It’s fine. ” It wouldn’t be fair to make them cancel. Before anyone else can speak, Ellie’s bedroom door pushes open and the boys come in, laughing.

  “Hey. ” Kevin waves at me.

  “Hi,” Todd says before each of them go to say hello to their girlfriends. Ian pushes his way past me without a word. Nerves kick up my heart rate.

  “What time does the movie start?” Ian collapses onto Ellie’s bed.

  Diana tells him and then he says, “Cool. I need to text my girl to tell her when to meet us. ”

  Even though I try to stop myself, I still whip my head his way. Ian has a girlfriend? Not that it matters. I mean, I have Jason. Still, I didn’t know.

  “Um, thanks for telling us you were bringing her. ” Ellie gives me an I’m sorry look.

  “I didn’t know I had to,” Ian tosses back at her.

  Todd and Kevin try to pretend they aren’t paying attention, but Diana doesn’t. “Why don’t you invite your new boyfriend, Brynn? That way we could meet him and it’ll be all couples. ”

  My stomach drops somewhere near my feet. All I can do is wonder what Mom would do, what she would say. She always had the answers. Without her I teeter between decisions, unsure all the time.

  “You really do have a boyfriend, right, Brynn?” Ian laughs.

  “Of course she does. ” Ellie steps closer. I don’t miss the look she gives Diana. These girls have been my best friends my whole life, yet they don’t believe Jason is real, either. My cheeks heat and I dart my eyes away.

  “I wouldn’t lie about having a boyfriend. That’s stupid. ”

  “We’d love to meet him,” Diana says. I shake my head.

  “So he’s embarrassed to be seen with you?” Ian sneers.

  “Hey, man. ” Todd hits his arm. “That’s not cool. ”

  “No,” I say, “but maybe I don’t want him to meet you. ” The words fall out of my mouth, unplanned. Ian looks shocked. Even though it’s wrong, it fuels me forward. “He actually asked to meet you guys. ” Shut up, shut up, shut up. Still, my mouth keeps going. “I just…” I look away. “Want to keep him to myself a little longer. ”

  This isn’t what Mom would do. The whole time I stand here, I realize that. It does nothing to stop me, though. I’m mad and disappointed in myself.

  “Yeah, right. ” Ian stands up.

  Words struggle to form clearly in my mind. How to relate to my friends right now, how to be a part of them and Jason. But as my eyes scan the room, seeing the way no one will look at me besides Ian, I realize none of them believes me. It hammers home how we’re suddenly on opposite sides when we never were before. The urge to look away hits me, too, to find a way to erase their doubt. Without another word, I storm out of the room. None of them try to stop me.

  Chapter Five

  Now

  “Oh look, your friends are here,” Dad says when we pull into the driveway. My heart stutters at the sight of Diana and Ellie standing on my porch. Ellie’s hair looks blonder, like she’s been spending every second in the sun. She bleaches it sometimes, but I never really thought she had to. It always looks shiny and perfect, hanging down her back.

  Diana’s dark hair is in all those tiny braids she wears every summer. Her “summer look,” she calls it. I see little hints of purple
and know she must have weaved some of her favorite color in. Diana has these awesome bright-green eyes that everyone notices. Her already-dark skin is even darker, telling me that they probably have been out and about all summer.

  Without me. And I deserve it.

  “I forgot, I need to pick something up for dinner at the store. Why don’t you go and visit for a bit? You know, get back to normal. I’ll be home in a little while. ” Dad pats my leg. He’s trying to be helpful—I get that—but he’s not. I’m scared to be alone with them, because I know they’re upset with me. They don’t get what happened, but it’s hard to talk about it. Even I’m still trying to make sense of it in my head.

  “Okay. ” I stand on the street until Dad’s car is out of sight, hoping the reprieve will kill my nerves. I study our last name, De Luca, on our mailbox. I never got that, why people put their names on their house or their mailboxes, announcing to the whole world who lives there. Mom loved it, though. She was so proud to be married to Anthony De Luca. For her and Dad to give me all the things she never had.

  When I know I can’t stand here any longer, I turn and walk up to my porch. “Hey. ” The three of us stand there for what feels like an eternity, looking anywhere except at one another.

  “Hey,” Ellie finally says, shuffling her feet.

  “Hi,” Diana adds afterward.

  Neither of them can meet my eyes, and I wonder if it’s because they feel guilty or if they’re just too angry at me.

  “You guys wanna come in or something?” I ask. Please let them say yes. Let them come inside, hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. That they know Jason is a jerk. That they believe me. That we can be friends again and they forgive me for everything I’ve done.

  Diana bites her lip, looking at the porch, the swing, anywhere except at me. One of the black-and-purple braids hangs over her shoulder and I concentrate on that as she speaks. “Are you really pressing charges? That’s what everyone’s saying. I mean, you wanted to have sex with him, right? He didn’t force you?”

  Everyone? Of course everyone knows. That’s how it goes in a small Oregon town like ours. “No, he didn’t force me…I loved him. ” It’s true. I wanted to lose my virginity to Jason. At first I was nervous, but I thought he loved me. I thought that was the way to give him back a little of what he’d given me. “But—”

  “And now you’re trying to get him thrown in jail?” Ellie asks. “I don’t understand that. I mean, if he forced you—”

  “No. No, I’m not. We’re not pressing charges. It was my dad’s idea, but I told him I don’t want to. ” I lean against the door, playing with the gold doorknob just because I need something to do, anything to help me block out the thoughts in my head. I did want to have sex with Jason but that doesn’t make it right. He was still older. He still lied.

  “What happened to you?” Diana whispers. “I mean, I understand about your mom, but it’s like you’re a totally different person. Why did you cut us off? We’ve been friends forever and you ignored us. You lied to us. And Ian… You broke his heart, Brynn. ”

  “Ian broke up with me. ” That’s the one thing they all got wrong. Not that I don’t understand why he did it, that time. I’d blown him off and didn’t pay any attention to him, but still. Out of all the replies I can give to her accusations, I know it’s the least important, and I want to take it back immediately. But it’s true.

  Ian and I were always breaking up and getting back together. Most of the time he did the dumping, too. Our relationship was never like Mom and Dad’s. Like Ellie and Diana have with their boyfriends. I never thought he loved me like I did Jason. “And I’m sorry I lied about some of it. It’s not all what you think, though. I didn’t lie about—” My voice cracks. A slight wind blows, making the leaves on the tree in my front yard rustle.